Liar Liar Pants on Fire
by Leila Dayne
I remember laying in bed one night in tears, hyperventilating trying to make sense of exactly why I was freaking out. My inner monologue running rampant, trying to calm myself down. That was when I began to realize how long I had truly been lying to myself. I needed to finally be honest with myself about these things to allow myself to move forward and grow.
I am a liar. I could win the gold medal for lying. Not to others, but to myself. It wasn’t as tho I was lying about things to necessarily benefit myself but to assist in keeping up the facade of the life I had built. Hoping that if I continued to repeat the lies in my head to myself, like a mantra, they would eventually become true.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told myself, “Sure, I’m not IN love with him BUT he’s a great guy who loves me and I’m sure I will eventually love him.” Knowing full well in my heart that it wasn’t true.
I’ve spent many sleepless nights wrestling with the anxieties that come along with attempting to deceive yourself. Making myself physically ill. It was a huge main factor in taking the steps, no matter how hard and scary they may be, towards moving forward into a life where I can find real happiness that doesn’t require lying to myself.
I’ve begun to find happiness in things that don’t require me to lie to myself. And that, is an amazing feeling. One that I want to continue, no matter how hard it may be at times.