by Leila Dayne

be better than yesterdaySome days I just do not feel like working, couple that with my stunning talents of procrastination and anything is possible. So I share with you todays masterpiece inspired by my love of lists and desire to not do the real work in front of me that needs to be done :] Happy Tuesday!!

Honors and Awards (for Which I Would Qualify and Most Likely Win)

-National Champion at recording way too many television shows knowing full well I will never have enough time to watch them all.

– A scholarship awarded to Irish Americans who have done very little for the Irish American community, and are unsure if they are even part Irish at all.

– Top 30 people under 30…who live on my street.

– The prize awarded to the individual who displays eminently distinguished achievements in finding any way to justify day drinking.

– Medal given to the person who is, by far, the least annoying family member of her extended family.

– Lifetime Achievement Award for Wanting a Lifetime Achievement Award, Despite Having Done Nothing to Earn It.

– Best Supporting Actress for an outstanding performance when being shown a friend’s tattoo and acting impressed by it despite actually thinking that it looks terrible. Also double nominated for award winning performances in listening to and faking appropriate responses to deathly boring stories.

– Award given in excellence in concocting backstories for strangers who are walking by a coffee shop in an outdoor mall. Another Award for public swimming pools as well.

– Gold medalist in sucking at each and every “real” sport in high school.

– Congressional Medal of Snacking.

– A fully endowed fellowship that goes to the person who manages to fit the utmost letters on each post-it note so as to preserve the stack. Official title would be Office Supply Hoarder.

– A grant for doing research into just what kind of asshole the guy who cut me off in traffic is.

– Best Screenplay That Is Still Just In Someones Head.

– Honorary doctorate in medicine, criminalistics and behavioral analysis due to extreme amounts of time studying Google, WebMD and television shows.

– Semifinalist in national competition for constantly rotating hair colour.

– Award for Perfect Attendance on Earth for Whole Life So Far.

– Best Actress while eating bad food served at restaurants for fear of sending it back and having it spit in. Not to be confused with Worlds Longest Food Orderer due to making it insanely complicated, because I hold that title too.

– Trophy for leaving just enough liquid in the juice container so that the next person who uses it will have to throw it out.

– Nobel Prize for Chemistry with Males Who I Perceive As Friends Though They Seem To Have A Different Idea.