Flashbacks to Childhood

by Leila Dayne

Being a parent these days, I spend a considerable amount of time loitering in toy aisles. (Only looking because, “I just want to looooook at them, I promise I won’t ask for anything!!!)

Looking around at all the toys, I pass the time being nostalgic about my days as a tiny human myself. I still can’t look into the mirror without pinpointing at least 7 scars from my childhood. Most of them stemming from some janky ass toy. Thanks to the grand invention of YouTube I can be transported back in time to reminisce about these glory days. I would also like to point out that we never read the instructions or warnings on things which most likely would have helped a considerable amount, but where was the fun in that?! Plus I grew up with all boys so it was always kind of a pissing contest and, as the only girl, I had to prove my merits to hang. So I’ve compiled my top five toys from my childhood, that almost always ended in injury.

5.) Snack Time Cabbage Patch doll. As a girl who had to have every doll from Cabbage Patch to Barbie (and all their accessories!! The 90’s must have been a nightmare for parents!! Thank goodness my kid is happy with a couple Lego sets and an iPad Mini!!) this doll was essential to my collection!! I was super grossed out by the “real” dolls that did anything close to what actual human babies did…I was never the kid asking for a little brother or sister…but this one seemed better because it didn’t gross me out. The main problem? There was no on/off switch so as soon as something was placed in the mouth of this “doll”…read: demon spawn similar to ‘Childs Play’…it didn’t stop until the object was completely thru or was forcefully ripped out. This included my fingers and on a few occasions my hair. Maybe it was the earliest form of birth control the manufacturers could think of.

4.) Spin Fighters. As previously mentioned, I grew up around all boys. And while I could occasionally convince (read: force them into it by crying and whining!) them into playing dolls or what have you with me, this was one of their main games of choice. I think mostly because they could all just shoot this whirling pieces of metal DIRECTLY AT ME!! I never won a single game, always being relinquished to the shitty damaged one or just being constantly physically attacked by the little things. Though in hind sight it did teach me some amazing ninja like reflexes for swatting unidentified flying objects away from myself.

3.) Skip It. This toy seems simple enough…unless you are completely uncoordinated like me. I spent more time on the ground trying to untangle my limbs or putting on Hello Kitty bandaids than actually ‘skipping’!!

2.) The Slip N’ Slide. Seriously…did this ever work? For anyone? ANY WHERE?! Maybe we just used it wrong. CONSTANTLY!! We put it uphill, downhill, over concrete, over gravel and hills, etc. It seemed no matter what we did we always got hurt…and you ALWAYS flew wayyy out and over the end “pool”!! No matter how short or slow of a start you got!!

1.) The Big Trampoline. Seriously, we’ve all seen the videos, we know how dangerous they are. As a kid you never fully understand. Until you are the one who gets hurt. When I was younger one of my babysitters had one and I remember cramming up to 8 kids and sometimes an adult on those things…because everyone wanted the coveted double bounce!! I remember the day all the kids were sitting around ‘indian style’ on the trampoline and it was my turn to get double bounced. When I came down, one kid was underneath me, leading to the bottom of my jaw landing square on top of his head. The whole day everyone was more concerned with the kids headache than how badly my mouth hurt. Once my mom (the dentist, thank goodness!!) showed up it was quickly realized that I had sustained the more significant injuries. One of my back molars had actually cracked completely down the center. Luckily it was only a baby tooth, so they could just put a cap on it and I didn’t have to deal with it any later in life once it fell out. So everything turned out alright in the end. But this is what I always FELT like I looked like when I was on the trampoline tho I know it was nowhere close to this.

Oh the glories of childhood.

All My Love,