Randomness

by Leila Dayne


I love being a girl, I really do. Over the years I’ve discovered an abundance of incredible perks to being a female. Don’t fret, this is not about to be several feministic paragraphs that make you want to barf all over your new shoes. I just like my chromosomes for some magnificently petty reasons and I would like to share a couple, no big.


I’d have to say one of the biggest perks about being a dame is the opportunity to carry a purse, by far one of the greatest things that a girl can have. Like seriously, I can slice my own bread because handbags are def the best thing in my book!!  I’m almost positive the purse was invented by a really hungry gal because I’m certain the purse’s original function was to serve as a convenient hiding place for snacks. The size of my purse is directly related to how hungry I am. This is a trait that started long before I became a parent too, it’s just progressively gotten worse. A purse is also a powerful weapon. I’ve been in a few impervious street fights in my day where I have had to punish some pretty hard-core ninjas and my bag was the sole reason for my victories. The purse also serves as a magical “in case of emergency” goody bag. I have things in my purse that could turn me into MacGyver quicker than you can say MacGyver. You just never know when two sets of ear buds, a Shake Weight, a Nerf gun and a stick of dynamite are gonna come in handy.

The clothing!! We have soooo much to choose from!! There’s enough to span our ever-changing moods…which who could have even thought was humanly possible!!?! And not only do we just buy the clothes, but the accessories and the magazines that only show us PICTURES of the clothes!! It’s crazy, but I love it. 


Another stupendous thing about being a lady is the option to change your entire fucking identity with make up. I could literally go into the witness protection program in an hour without changing anything but my name and my eyeshadow, literally. And when a dude gets a zit, his only option is to commit himself to solitary confinement and splatter Noxema all over his face; when I get a blemish, that is a confidentiality agreement between me and my concealer that has never been breached. See? Fucking rocks being a chick!


Know what else is great about having a hoo ha?  It means I have options. I can choose to be the 5’ 2” short stack that I am (and I like it down here, so don’t you fret!) or be anywhere between 4 to 8 inches taller. (I could also be anywhere from 1-4 inches but I don’t do that kitten heel nonsense…go big or go home, this isn’t playing dress up as a child anymore!!) And I can do it with ease…you’d swear I was born in heels. You catch a bro with options like that, you better hope you’re at Ringling Brothers. 


Really, the only thing I think dudes have that are cooler then girls are those short cut underwear, ya know the one’s that slide to the side that allows for quicker urination. Not that I would choose to wear underwear like that if they made them for females, but just knowing I have the option would be nice. That and the ability to take a shower in under 5 minutes. I haven’t even begun reaching for the shampoo in the first five minutes let alone be nearly done.

Deep thoughts today kids. In the next blog I’ll be addressing my sailors mouth. (Sorry, if it’s offensive, old habits, die hard.)

 

All My Love,

LD