Do’s and Don’ts – The Facebook Edition
by Leila Dayne
Like everybody out there, I spend the majority of my day online. From my laptop, to my iPad to my iPhone…it’s always there. I spend a large part of my day using Facebook to keep in touch with old friends, but mostly to procrastinate and LOL at cute animal pics. As open as I am with my online life, there are still a lot of things that I am private about. I have a lot of acquaintances on FB that I’ve known through my previous life of working in nightlife and from networking. Even with being very open, there are still a lot of parts of my life that I like to keep private. From my son’s name (I only refer to him as the Tiny Human or a nickname)to my love life, I believe there are some things that don’t need to be splashed around the interweb for every one to read. But alas, it’s becoming a lost art to NOT share every single detail of your day…no matter how mundane or disgusting.
I de-friend people on the DAILY. By being so inter connected with people in a way that we never were in the past we’ve gotten locked into being constantly connected and sharing. But just because we CAN share everything…doesn’t mean that we SHOULD! I have taken the time to compile a small list of Do’s and Don’ts to help out you and your fellow Facebookers. Now I know this might be a little harsh, perhaps a bit hard to grasp at first but trust me, if you just follow a few of these simple guidelines you’re sure to be less of an electronic imbecile. You’ll thank me later.
DO: post interesting video and links to keep others entertained at work. Side note: DON’T post any more Gangnam Style videos…no remixes…nothing.
DO: check the upload date on your content. If you’re posting shit from last year that’s not relevant, you’ve missed the bus, dude. We’ve all seen ‘David Goes to the Fucking Dentist’! A thousand times. It’s old news…bring me the new new.
DO: try to get a little more creative with your album names, people. If you have an album named “The Single Life”,”Put A Ring On It”, “Party in the USA” or “Debauchery” , then you’re one of about 50,000 people with the same name and about as interesting as a lemon-flavored Lifesaver. (translation= not interesting at all.)
DO: Patronize places because you truly want to, not because you’re going to earn some fake Boy Scout badge or become the mayor of Long John fucking Silver on Four Square.
DO: Mobile Upload, in responsible doses. Please do not flood my news feed with pictures of every meal you’ve eaten or every move your child has made that day.
DO: poke me if you’re Helen Keller and that’s your only means of communication. Otherwise, just disable the feature completely.
DO: take into consideration what a poke truly is. Nothing good comes in the form of a poke (i.e. “I just poked myself in the eye,” “This stupid tag keeps poking me,” “Hold still you’re just going to feel a little poke,” “Do the hokey pokey,” “We were just slow dancing and it poked me.”) See?
DON’T: put a thumbs up on your own fucking status. Pretty sure if you didn’t like what you said, you wouldn’t have said it in the first place. It’s redundant. Knock it off.
DON’T: commentate your whole life on your status. I do not give one, two or three shits what you’re doing all day. I do not need a fucking play by play from your “Good Morning, Starbucks barista!” to your “Good Night Moon,” I have never and will never wonder what you’re doing when I wake up, or before I go to sleep unless you’re Jennifer Lawrence. I always wanna know what that one is up to.
DON’T: air your dirty laundry on your status. If your boyfriend broke up with you and left you with nothing but your Crocs and the microwave, it might be because all 932 of your Facebook friends know every intimate detail of your relationship and maybe a little bit because you have Crocs too. It’s called a PERSONAL life for a reason.
DON’T: “check in” places! Primarily because (again) I don’t care where you are, and if I do I’ll just ask you. But also, national crime rates have gone up because robbers know when you aren’t home now. SO if you do check-in, check-in responsibly!!
DON’T: be Facebook friends with robbers. Generally speaking, it’s just best to not be friends with robbers anyhow.
DON’T: Play those OBNOXIOUS farm games or mafia games or bejazzled games or any games in where you answer questions about me. I do not care how many stacks of hay you have or that you have just knocked off some cyber hooker and became the Don of retarded fake games. Capeesh? And stop answering weird questions about me, it’s creepy.
DON’T: Send me fake cocktails. It really pisses me off for what I think are pretty obvious reasons (obvious reasons being, YOU CAN’T DRINK THEM!) If you can’t understand this, then kindly remove yourself from my friends list.
DON’T: invite me to the same event 800 times. One is all it takes, I promise. Plus we all know I’m a homebody anyway…best chances for you getting me there are with a text/call and bribing me with some wine.
DON’T: Take pictures of yourself with your shirt off in your bathroom mirror and use it as your profile pic. If you desperately feel the need to be a giant fucking douche bag, clean your bathroom counter first you filthy little buggers. And ladies…please please PLEASE for the love of God…no more duckface!!! It seriously should be a criminal offense…nobody looks good like that, just smile!
Please Facebook responsibly.
All My Love,