Relapse

by Leila Dayne


I worked very hard and am very proud of the transitions and changes I’ve made in my life, but I am only human. I will have my moments when I falter and stumble, and I’m okay with that. I few it like a relapse. I allowed myself to go back briefly to a life I had left behind and luckily it just reinforced that I made the right decision in walking away in the first place.

Night life, clubs and bars were a major part of my life for a long time. It was were I made my money and spent more time than I ever should have. I’m still very connected in the scene through friends so when I was approached about helping with the grand opening of a new club this weekend, I thought, “Sure!! Why not? It will be fun!!” I was smart enough not to over commit myself too much and agree just to help minimally for the one weekend.

Even with only agreeing to help with a little for just one weekend, things still got complicated. With only two weeks notice for everything that needed to be done, coupled with an already busy life, work and the crazy winter weather we’ve been having I found myself with basically 3 days to get everything done. I did my best and luckily the grand opening last night was a phenomenal success. We were sold out and at capacity the entire evening. It was crowded and hectic with everyone learning their new roles and the logistics of getting around and making everything work smoothly.

As the night dragged on though, it became very clear to me that I had made the right choice in leaving that life behind. I always hold all of the great memories of how much fun it all used to be but that never aligns with what ends up happening. The expectation is not the same as the reality. Sure it was great seeing everyone, especially the ones that I haven’t seen in a long time, but it was mostly just draining and hectic and not really enjoyable. I was reaffirmed with validation for why I chose to make the transition out of there in the first place. I like the occasional drink, but I don’t like being drunk. I HATE crowded spaces and people touching/bumping into me. I longed to be at my girlfriends house sipping wine and chatting, or even just at home curled up with a good book or NetFlix. The music was always one of the biggest factor. I loved being there to feel and experience  the music but when it’s drowned out by all the other chaos, it no longer is a motivator for being there.

If I were making fantastic money to be there or my attendance in any way affected production or revenue, I would stick it out. But being on the journey that I am, where I live by doing what you believe and making yourself happy, it would be quite shitty of me to go against what I stand for. So after a long night at the club and then hardly sleeping due to my unrest, I made my decision not to return this evening. I still dearly love my friends and wish them all the best, and I still made sure that all of the commitments I made were covered but for me, it just wasn’t worth the self-sacrifice I feel like I would be making.

So that’s been my day in a nutshell. That and lounging and having movie day with the Tiny Human. Pretty great day if you ask me :]

All My Love,

LD