Rants and Raves…A Round Up of my Random Thoughts
by Leila Dayne
I wish I could explain the strange world that exists inside my head…but honestly…it would take YEARS to explain!!
So I decided to actually take note of a few of the things that have crossed my mind in the past couple of days.
I’m sure you’re DYING with anticipation!! So let’s get this show on the road!!
-To the girl I saw while I was out shopping the other day…2003 called, they want their trend of carrying a small dog around in your handbag back.
Clearly you didn’t receive the international memo that went out when we decided that trend was dead when vets revealed it was stressful and deadly for dogs…and also just looks really really stupid. I can LITERALLY hear you screaming for male attention, which you are CLEARLY not receiving. Also I mean, if you’re going to carry around your pet, it should at least be something cool. Like a fucking caimen. (I’m sure I will be informed about how “illegal” this is, BUT remember…rules don’t apply in my head.)
-This fucking bi-polar weather is KILLLLLING me!! (I’m not melodramatic AT ALL!!) But seriously, Mother Nature, you can’t tease me with these gorgeous spring days where I get to dress all cute and then just RIP them away in favor of cold, overcast days!! (And don’t even get me started on the god damn snowpocalypse’!!)
-If you take a bottle of wine in the bathtub, you’re relaxing. If you take a bottle of vodka in the bathtub, you’re suicidal. If you take a basket of tacos in the bathtub, you’re fat. Life’s just not fair.
-Also, are we still using the word, ‘Epic?’ Cuz I’m here to tell you, I’m over that too, bro.
-If you’re ever having a bad day, just remember that somewhere Lindsey Lohan is probably having a worse day. As a matter of fact, I think Lindsey Lohan is always having a bad day. So taking that into account, you’re basically always having the best day of Lindsey Lohan’s life. I mean, if you’re trying to find a way to be positive about your fucking awful day.
-You know, every year on Thanksgiving Day its tryptophan this and tryptophan that. “I’m so sleepy after all that tryptophan turkey. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” What, you all eat turkey one day a year and you have to fucking hibernate? You guys, I eat turkey sandwiches all the time without needing a nap. And I need naps all the time without eating turkey. Nut up, it’s not the turkey, ya turkeys!
-Hey, Murders! Do you all shack up together under a GIANT FUCKING ROCK? Have you not seen CSI? Have you ever seen a Dateline? Why are you all continuously making the same mistakes!? Turn off your cell phones, Google “How to murder my neighbour” from the library computer, or better yet, from your neighbour’s computer, shave all your hair off! If you just have to murder someone, I’d say wearing ill fitting black leather gloves and driving a white Bronco is really the only surefire way to not get busted. Good luck.
– Dear Kim Kardashian…I still dislike you. And apparently so does your stylist. I mean, I know you’re SUPER VAIN, so you DEF looked in a mirror (or 1,000) before walking outside….soooo I’m not sure what the excuse here will be. (“Kanye MADE me do it.” Is my best guess at what it will be.)
-Skin colored Band-Aids are even more unnatural than say, a sparkly Ninja Turtle Band-Aide and they’re fucking disgusting looking. They don’t call it a “dressing” for nothing, dress that shit up!
-I’m aware that this is a bit of an after-thought, but my 4th Grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Walker. If that lady had a son and didn’t name him Luke Sky, she fucked up big time.
-IKEA is the Swedish House Mafia. (In my opinion.)
– I’m pretty much “in a relationship” with my NetFlix account (I wonder if this is a Facebook option?! I can’t be the only one.) Anyway, the other night I watched “Bachelorette”. I remember seeing the previews and thinking, “Huh, this looks like it could be pretty funny!!” I love Brides Maids so I figured it would be something along the same lines. Uhhhh.
It was slightly funny, but more depressing than anything else. Luckily Isla Fisher was adorable as always so that at least saved it from being a total waste of time.
– I forever and ever love this song from Cassius. And I may or may not have bought an iPhone solely so I could download the app they use in the video. (I did.)
-And lastly, you guys, every outfit is an opportunity, try harder than Crocs.
All My Love,