Spring Time

by Leila Dayne

As Spring time rolls around each year something always seems to happen…especially the older I get. Spring must be the international time for people to have babies. Or announce they’ll be having babies…or find out the sex of their to be born babies…etc. It’s just like a baby explosion. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. (I did have one for a while ya know! He’s now 7 tho, so technically he’s a Tiny Human, not a baby anymore.) But it never fails to fascinate me how spring always brings this explosion of flowers and children. (I could go on a rambling tangent of the correlation between the two but I’ll spare you since I’ll be doing enough rambling here shortly.)

Here’s is a step by step program you can participate in to prepare yourself for the joys of having children if you are thinking about having them!

11 Step Program For Those Thinking of Having Kids:

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2 

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they may improve their child’s breastfeeding, sled habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you have all of the answers.

Lesson 3 

A really good way to discover how the night might feel…and this is if your child is EASY…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat 6 bites of cold food with one hand for dinner.)

2. At 10pm, put the bag down gently, set an alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45am.

7. Get up at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4am.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work. (Work hard and be productive.)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam into the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – 2 hours max.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shiny. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice.) If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. (And no, you can’t put a leash on it.) Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the small hole of the swaying melon by pretending the spoon is an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up into the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, The Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel or Noggin for at least five years.

Don’t know what Noggin is?! You’re definitely not ready for kids.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘MOMMY’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasionally crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘MOMMY’ tape made for Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my child and every single thing is worth it. But remember, if you don’t have kids yet there is nothing that will ever truly prepare you for everything you will encounter :] Trust me on this one guys!!

All My Love,